Saturday, March 05, 2011

self reflexion

I am writing this post without thinking ahead of what i will say. I will just say whatever comes to my head without thinking cos i feel that i have a lot to say but if i just had some time to think, i'll be lost in what to write... as if writing now anything that pops up won't be itself kind of being lost between words and feelings.
I feel that what i've been doing lately is watching news on facebook, status, notes, videos, articles posted by friends. Some are sarcastic and funny, others are the ugly reality. I repost what i like, comments on other but at the end, where am i in all that? it is like kind of overwhelmed with all of that and caught in the circle of reading, commenting, posting, commenting, reading... but not doing something concrete. I am usually an "action" person, not a "mouth" person but i feel that i'm totally out of actions.
I have mixed feelings, i'm back to the so called normal life, but it is not normal anymore. I go to work, i started to see friends, i even during this weekend saw a movie and read a book but i feel that still everything is not the same. I stopped questionning about what will happen tomorrow, what ministers will come, who will be exposed, which scandle will come next.. it is as if my body is living (breathing, eating, sleeping) but my mind is in a coma. My mind is aware of the events that are happening daily, but detached in the same time.
I need to concentrate more on some things these days but i can't. I can't cos i'm distracted, but who is not distracted? Since it all had started, passed through lot of phases, happiness, sadness, sorrow, hope, distress, it is kind of myself is revolting on myself for being caught in all that.
I am not asking to get back to whatever was my life before the revolution has started, not at all. But i might be questionning myself, where were I all that time? I know i am not that bad, I had principles, I tried to help whenever I can, I tried to do my job the best I can, I tried to not be limited with the routine life, but to search for more.... but I was totally ignorant about the politics or shall i say, i didn't really care about it and it was not part of my interest. I didn't vote before, I didn't know a lot of the people who are now surfacing on stage and it makes me wonder, why? I know that we have a lot of poverty, lot of injustice and I sympathized with all that.. and whenever i could try to do something, i did... but at the end, i was living good with no worries about tomorrow. i have a good family, have good friends and i try to contribute in society.. but is it enough? I used to think of myself a proactive person but i discovered that i'm not. I thought that i was courageous and a daring person but then i failed to stand up to my standards. My self image is destroyed. I admit, i'm not the person i thought i was, but i still don't know what person i want to be...

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